Conagra Foods Plots World Takeover Via Secret Food Weapons (Assuming The World Still Exists After Tomorrow)

I'm not out to ruin anyone's day but... by tomorrow afternoon (Wednesday, September 10th, 2008) the Earth may no longer exist. This potential planetary pummeling comes to us courtesy of the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) at the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) which lies under the border of France and Switzerland.  Without getting too technical, the LHC is the worlds largest and most powerful particle accelerator and some have theorized that its activation tomorrow could wipe out the planet (or even the universe) in anywhere from a couple of months to a couple of nanoseconds.

Luckily, the "some" in question here are the vast minority and seem to be little more than a crazy (and potentially violent)  group that doesn't have its facts straight.  According to Wikipedia, "The consensus in the scientific community is that there is no basis for any conceivable threat from the LHC particle collisions." (a discussion on the merits of trusting the fate of the world to a Wikipedia article may be prudent, but that's another topic).  If everything goes to plan, the LHC could soon produce for the first time the theoretical Higgs Boson particle  which could lead to scientific breakthroughs in electromagnetism and nuclear forces.  

Truthfully, I have little to no understanding of the details of the LHC research... it's way over my head.  From what I have read though, it appears to have a great deal of potential and could unlock several scientific mysteries if it works as hoped.  So, on the eve of what could be a landmark day in the scientific community I thought it appropriate to point out a breakthrough of monumental proportions that is sitting right under our noses (and in our kitchen pantries).  I am of course speaking of PAM Cooking Spray.

As I was watching TV the other night, I noticed a commercial for PAM Cooking Spray with a tagline that I hadn't seen before; "Food Sticks To Nothing".   I didn't think much of it at first, but for some reason the phrase "Food Sticks To Nothing" kept popping back into my head.  After a time, the light went off and I realized why that ad was rubbing me the wrong way; at some point the last year I had read and article or heard an interview in which the scientific discovery of "nothing" was discussed.  Upon further research I found an article from Discover Magazine that states that "The discovery of nothing (also called dark energy) - and its ability to influence the fate of the cosmos - is considered the most important astronomical discovery of the past decade."

To break it down a little by borrowing heavily from the Discover Magazine article, scientists now believe that the universe is around 74% "nothing" and only 4% "something" (the remaining 22 percent is a property called dark matter, which are particles that are not visible to humans). Additionally, even something is mostly nothing as atoms are mostly empty space.  The solid appearance of matter is actually an illusion caused by electric fields created by subatomic particles.  The article goes on to point out that more nothing is created every second as dark energy  pushes the universe apart.

(Please wait for a moment as I don my sarcastic, conspiracy theorist, marketer's hat... ok, still fits, we can now proceed).

After refreshing my memory on some of the finer points of nothing, I returned to the advertising tagline in question.  If we are to take them at their word, ConAgra Foods, the makers of PAM, have actually found a way to interact with nothing... specifically, they have developed a spray that makes food stick to it.  I don't really understand what they gain from producing this product, but I'm not sure I like the idea of ingesting large quantities of nothing stuck to my food (sounds like too many empty calories... zing!).  More importantly is that thanks to years and years of dedicated movie viewing I can be pretty sure that if a major corporation took the time to develop a method with which to stick food to nothing; which according to Discover  "could be the key to the theory of everything", then it must have a nefarious motive.  God only knows what other dastardly space and time bending food products the evil geniuses at ConAgra have up their sleeves or already in our kitchens.

  Believing these could be clues to other ConAgra foods that can alter what we know about space and possibly time, I am hereby proclaiming that the "Break-O-Morn"(destroying the sunrise?) , "Parkay" (you thought those commercials with talking margarine containers were just a joke, didn't you?), "Lucks" (as in, we're going to need it?), "El Extremo" and "The Max" (could these be anything but super weapons?) brands are most likely secret tools for world domination and/or destruction.  We might as well start practicing groveling to our future ConAgra masters as they are obviously technologically light years ahead of everyone else and will soon enslave us all.